To lose before even had

To hold a burden bigger than yourself for 2 months is trying at the easiest of times. To then know that all the heartache and crying and screaming was only going to get worse now does not ease the pain. That is where I am, stuck in love with someone, someone who you had to know from the beginning was going to try to leave in the most final of ways, and then when your hopes have been answered, those sweet prayers and countless hours of worrying and crying seem to have paid off, you lose them. Not in that final way like before, but in a way that hurts, in some ways just as much if not more. Being gone in a final way allows the recovery process to begin, but this new hurt could/very well will turn into a constant knife in the heart. Causing the shortness of breath, the lump in your throat, the head aches, the crying yourself to sleep every night because you not only went through months of pure torture with no way out and being absolutely powerless, to being in a similar predicament....lets be frank it sucks balls. When you love someone you should just want their happiness, or at least i have always tried to do that, but why should love be that much a one way street. Why should i always put myself, my feelings, my heartache last. I have no clue what will happen, but things do not look like they are going to go my way, so now we start a new chapter, i hope it surprises me in a good way, but i highly doubt it will, so it will be more countless nights of crying ahead, but there is no turning back I have to go forward, no running away