Wednesday, October 12, 2011

To Love...hopefully you'll see this and know its for you

Life was amazing with you on the ride. So come back and get on with me, I'll take you away and make you safe and hopefully happy. And if you asked me if I love him.....I'd Lie

Friday, September 30, 2011

Peter's Change

Well being harassed by a ugly old man is never fun. When he is dating a friend of yours well thats even worse. To make things worse he took over my friends Facebook. I guess any friendship i had with Peter is over. Its sad because he can do better than that guy, and i like(d) him. well at least college is full of gays. Maybe i should forget about Peter and move on and just delete and block.

Friday, September 16, 2011

The wandering ways of love

So have you ever found someone that makes you smile? Ever found that person who, no matter what you do they can not be replaced? Have you ever found more than one of those people? at the same time?

Well I found one person, who means a lot to me, and that I believe I will fully be able to love one day, before I left for college who fit this description, well actually I met him in early june.
The funny thing is that I met his really close friend who, at first, seemed stand offish and rude, really grew on me and I have come to want to talk to him more and more.

OK so the moral of this story is really one that I have know idea about what I should do. Or how i should feel. Also this post proves the point I should not be writing at 7:45 am after a night out.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day

One week of classes completed and I have already crashed and burned in my approach to the college social life Luckily I have a back up plan up my sleeve, so time to focus on me.

Now to understand why I have to act this way, you first need to understand that my personality is of a helper/ people pleaser. I always want to put other before myself, and I always get stuck in the dreaded friend-zone because of it.

So this is my public, but also private, declaration of freedom from myself. I will focus on myself to make me the best I can be in every way, then I will begin to look outward.

OK thats the plan. so its time to make the change. March onward


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Crazy

So i should be getting ready to walk to class, but i wanted to post on here before I did. I know my life is going kindda crazy and I have not had a lot of time to do too much on here, or even talk to Jack (WHICH is killing me btw). Any way this was to just let him know I miss him and think about him everyday. Well off to get more homework

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

FIrst day of classes ( the reprise)

So yesterday I actually started college. I had my classes and to be quite frank I was intimidated. The just entire difference from the ways of high school astounded me. But I know I can handle it.

I have been very busy after move in and feel bad that i have been away not talking or posting, but with homework and all the new people, life is a little crazy. I still have time for a few things now and again, so if you need to talk please comment on something and I will get back too you. Or if you are one of those people who has my number (JACK) text me cause I will always answer you.

Well off to shower and breakfast before History 100 and Math 108.
Peace and Love

Friday, August 26, 2011

First Night

Anyone who has gone through a first something knows the feeling. The not knowing what to do, or where to go, or even who to do it with.

Lets be clear. The first night of college is not any different. Luckily I get along well with one of my roommates, while with the other one I'm not sure what type of relationship we have.

It's nice tho, college is really fun; once the parents leave there is a different type of atmosphere here. Some parts of it are fun an exciting when the people you are with have grown up past high school, in a way that the roommate I don't know how to feel about has proven in one night that he has not.

Besides all the great adventures that lay ahead I think about people that are important too me, and I think for the time being that matters far more than 3 to 4 shots. ( yes this is about a boy who is very special too me). I saw people drunk hooking up and i realized that HE is more important than Mr. Right-now, cause he may be the Mr. Right.
So Im up with 4 hours of sleep I think I need a shower and coffee....
Peace

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Update

Talked to Jack this morning. It was very brief because he was not feeling well due to his new medication. As Peter mentioned on Jack's blog I will also be updating everyone on how Jack is doing. Peter and i have to learn to share a bit and think we are making great strides towards that, and being surprisingly friendly. Jack will be coming back at some point and i think Peter knows that better than I do. If anyone has any concerns for Jack or wants to wish him well, you can ask Peter or myself to pass your wishes along. Jack does need time to focus on himself and coming to terms with whatever all of the things that plagued him are. This will take time and energy from him, as well as his friends and close loved ones. That being said understand there are things he does not want to think about now. He has to find himself again and I will speak for myself but I plan to be there for him the whole way.

And a side note to Peter----- Thank you. You have been nice to me when you did not have to. You have helped me a lot though this and I'm glad that Jack has a person who, though you are slightly crazy (part of why I like you) your a warm and caring person. I think out of all this I am glad Jack is safe and that I made a good friend to say the very least.

And a side note to the older men who have been helping me----- i did not forget you all and i thank you for your support and kind words.

Well back to packing
Love to all <3

Starting Over

To everyone who has been reading, sorry for all the depressing reflectiveness of my Blog thus far. I do like introspective works and will be trying to use this as a way of taking a third person look on my life; if any of it applies to you and helps please feel free to comment. I would love to know. Anyway:

Life has a way of opening and closing. There are so many endings in life, so many goodbyes, so many tears over what we are losing.

The thing is tho is that as we mover forward we always get new hellos. I know this sounds very corny and over used, but it does fit now. Im leaving for college in a few days, and it makes me sad to be leaving my family.
But I know new adventures wait for me at college, and my family is not really a permanent good bye its more temporary.
So as I lean forward, I try to look back.

"Friendship is a pretty full-time occupation if you really are friendly with somebody. You can't have too many friends because then you're just not really friends." 
Truman Capote 

Monday, August 22, 2011

False hope

Sorry to make it short but nothing else to say the title says it all.

"turn the Ashes into Flames"

Life has away of knocking all of us down. Putting challenges and obstacles in our path that, sometimes we are not meant to over come. Now, I'm  not saying that we were put on this world to fail and be miserable the whole time; no what I mean is, that in our darkest hour we can find the brightest light.

Most people who read this are well informed on the situation that has been apart of many of our lives for the past few days. For those who don't, someone I really care about, and would even say I love tried and failed to commit suicide. Out of this horrible incident, somehow I have managed new hope, have found that silver lining. 

These past few days have been some of the worst in my life, this ranks up there right beside the death of my best friends mother, and the depression I had when my dogs of 12 years died. Both of those things caused me to go into a depression, but in the end I came out. I recovered. I know many of you probably feel the sadness and the confusion, but trust me there is always light at the end of the tunnel. The darker it is the brighter the light. 

Hope these videos help you see the light, or guide you too it.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

To lose before even had

To hold a burden bigger than yourself for 2 months is trying at the easiest of times. To then know that all the heartache and crying and screaming was only going to get worse now does not ease the pain. That is where I am, stuck in love with someone, someone who you had to know from the beginning was going to try to leave in the most final of ways, and then when your hopes have been answered, those sweet prayers and countless hours of worrying and crying seem to have paid off, you lose them. Not in that final way like before, but in a way that hurts, in some ways just as much if not more. Being gone in a final way allows the recovery process to begin, but this new hurt could/very well will turn into a constant knife in the heart. Causing the shortness of breath, the lump in your throat, the head aches, the crying yourself to sleep every night because you not only went through months of pure torture with no way out and being absolutely powerless, to being in a similar predicament....lets be frank it sucks balls. When you love someone you should just want their happiness, or at least i have always tried to do that, but why should love be that much a one way street. Why should i always put myself, my feelings, my heartache last. I have no clue what will happen, but things do not look like they are going to go my way, so now we start a new chapter, i hope it surprises me in a good way, but i highly doubt it will, so it will be more countless nights of crying ahead, but there is no turning back I have to go forward, no running away

Saturday, August 20, 2011

How to know

Love- that ever elusive emotion that most if not all humans strive to find at least once in their lives.

But house do u ever know if someone is really in love with you. Sure they can say they love u, but people lie. You can think someone loves you but they turn around and break your heart with their words or actions.

I guess u have to follow your heart and sometimes it will be broken, but as the old saying is it is better to love and lost then never loved at all

Worried and waiting

You know that feeling you get when u feel like u have been pushed to the edge but yanked back all of a sudden. Well I did not until today, and unfortunately I think I have whiplash.
Maybe thats why my head is pounding and has been all day, or maybe it was the crying myself to sleep, or the waking up and seeing the world in grey and black.

Either way my head is hurting.

Why does life go up and down like a roller coaster I mean the ups are great but the drops suck. Also I fee like there should only be so low your allowed to go, because I found a new low last night. The roller coaster i was on for the past to months had its biggest drop ever last night, and i seriously thought i would crash and burn....

And for awhile I did. I crashed my eyes pouring tears that stung my face; I felt like the breath had been kicked out of me and I was being smothered and prevented from breathing in.

Thats what loss feels like that idea that its gone forever and never coming back.

The worst part was not the loss itself...no it was the not knowing. Not knowing if he was gone. Not knowing if he would come back, if i could make him smile again, see his cute sweet face smile at me. The not knowing is what kills you.

The googling his name and looking through the papers to feel if he had been found or if there was news at all.

I think that is what hurts people the most a loss you can work through, but with the little bit of hope, the sliver of a chance is what we cling to as humans, and undoubtedly that is what hurts us more than anything else, our ability to hope and believe in something against all odds. When that hope is dashed we crash worse than anything.
Thank GOD my hope was not dashed and I was pulled upward again on this crazy ride

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Sadness and anger seem to be very similar emotions. when someone goes missing or runs away parents are always sad and worried. If the love one is found however and they are ok, the anger sets in. this type of anger is not the true emotions its more hurt than anything else.
when you love someone the entire spectrum of emotions is there. I think that describes how i feel now, knowing he is alive i am relieved, but i am that angry because part of me wants to give a good old southern "WHat for" as my Gran would say, but the other part of me wants to shake him and scam at him crying an hugging him until i just fall on my face happy he is ok. Life throws us all around but at the end of the day we are glad we are on the ride and I hope he sees that now and if not...ill beat it in to him literally and metaphorically..haha

The Aftermath

Goodbye. I love you too, goodbye.
What is it about that word that makes people feel different things. Like if someone is going on a trip and they say goodbye, it is not final, but when that word is used and there is very little hope of ever seeing that person again, a deep sadness comes over us.


If you have not guessed already as of 9:30 EST my life was "touched" by suicide, or sadly to say hopefully attempted suicide. (I really do hope he failed).

Someone over 5000 miles away in the Uk attempted suicide last night and for all I know he succeeded, and  now this morning I'm left alone, picking up the pieces with a " i love you too, goodbye".

You know how you watch those dating website ads on TV and you, well at least I, this what bull shit how can you fall in love with someone that you never met, never felt, or kissed.
I now understand that: his name was Jack, and i met him about 6 weeks ago on a website and we started talking. he seemed really nice and he seemed interested, but best of all he was so cute. We started video chatting on Skype a few days later ( thank god for the new technology age) i got to see him. well we talked off and on for the next month my feelings slowly growing. I loved Jack...no I love jack and i will miss him terribly